Thursday, 9 September 2010

The Black Dog

These past two weeks have been hellish for me. I have been attacked by the black dog of depression again. I forgot or rather wanted to forget how hideously painful it is when it strikes. I just feel this sense of panic and gut wrenching hideous self loathing like I am the worst person who ever lived.
I also seem to lose the ability to sleep which is the worse thing as the less sleep the more irrational I become. It just becomes a circle of destruction for my foothold in reality.
Needless to say the family suffers. A especially has put up with this "episodes" for nearly 13years now so deserves a medal. In fact he is the best person as he does not let me not do things as is my want when depressed, but ensures even if though I have been signed off work that I have "stuff" to do..... tasks to achieve and succeed in all helping me along with the Anti-depressants to get better.
The relapses only ever occur when I try coming off the happy pills. When on them I like my better self, the best I can be. So why or why do I keep on trying to come off them when it has been proven in the last 13yrs for about 5 times I have tried to come off them I relapse and my world all starts crumbling in.................
I can honestly say I don't know............ I just want to be the person I am on them off them if that makes any sense.
Everyone has been great and that is something to be truly grateful for.............. now nearly two weeks back on the meds I am starting to feel "normal" again and like I have things in perspective. I am still on sleeping tablets which isn't great but at least I'm sleeping.
I can now start to concentrate on things without the anxiety and fuzzy headiness. I also have the perspective that my new job is wait for it NEW and so will feel awkward and difficult for the first 6 months. I should just go with the flow and not spend every waking minute thinking about it, worrying about it. I will get there but it may take sometime and not to be so hard on myself. Same with the CfE stuff I'm working through it but I will get there..... and I am not responsible for all of it. I am only one person in a system trying to the best she can with what she is given.............. even if I do end up subsidising it............ (what teacher dosent buy books etc and resources to make the job easier).
Well to saying that sewing had helped I sewed a lovely skirt using amy butler fabric and a pattern from the serendipity book
It turned out okay. My mil thought it was shop brought which I thought was a good sign....
Just waiting for a decent camera to take pictures with for this site......oh well........
Now I have some Anne Maire Horner Voile that needs my focus............... much better than being depressed and not wanting to do anything.
I just have to hope these baby steps in feeling better continues each day ..... along with the pills and the support.......I will feel "normal" again soon and maybe even confident.